Slightly Exaggerated Diary of a Former Vampire
by BrownCoatFireflyCaptain
Summary: A little peek into the daily life of Nikola Tesla, Genius, Wino, Former Half-Vampire.  T to be safe.  I own nothing! T for mention of pot and Nikola's perverted mind and references to torture in the angsty-er parts
1. swimming, bows and Dickens

Slightly Exaggerated Diary of a Former Half-Vampire

December , 23

Realized today that perhaps it's best to swim laps before Dr. Expendable gets up in the morning. It was rather strange to be swimming along and realize that young William was hovering above me, on the edge of the pool. Of course the fact that I couldn't find my swim trunks and was therefore naked didn't help matters any. I can't believe he had the nerve to say that I should forgo swimming until my trunks reappear. What the hell am I supposed to do, let my now-mortal body fall apart because a giant wookie misplaced my shorts?

On the other hand, I could always find some way of getting Helen to go into the pool house while I'm swimming. I'll have to remember to install a water heater in that building.

December , 24

Christmas Eve get together is going to be painful. I don't think I can handle being in the same room with the children and walking carpet as they exchange meaningless trinkets and grin like idiots at their new iPads. Only going because Helen asked. Briefly considered wrapping myself in a bow and hiding in her bedroom, but I think perhaps that might be a little much. After all, she might faint and that only offers momentary entertainment. No, I need her conscious. Guess I'll just settle for the homing pigeon idea. I'm going to tie a note inviting her to dinner to one of my birds and give her the first edition Dickens I…procured.


	2. Heat, Cannabis, and Lacy Underoos

A/N: I forgot to mention that I don't the characters/show. If I did, Nikola would be permanently on the team and would be wearing tactical gear (What it's SEXY!) No money made, no infringement intended, blah, blah, blah...

Page Two

December, 25

Never. Again. Ever.

It's days like this when I wonder why I make dinner plans. Or wear suits. Speaking of which, my favorite suit (since my old favorite it riddled with bullet holes-damn woman and her guns) is completely destroyed. And by destroyed I mean that it is currently a pile of ash in Helen's basement. On the bright side, she did seem pretty impressed by sight. Of course her shocked expression could have been because my boxers were on fire.

I need to remember to wear a fire suit every time an abnormal breaks out of containment. Fire breathers are a pain. Especially when Helen was just about to confess her undying love and devotion to me (I think).

December, 29

You know, you learn quite a bit over the course of a century and a half knowing someone. For instance, I know that Helen flew with Amelia Earhart. I also know that Charlie Chaplin offered her a role in one of his films . (Now that I think of it, that was rather ironic, given his preference for…_younger _women. I wonder if he was abnormal. I'll ask Helen.) However, there are still things that can surprise you about a person. For instance, Helen smoking cannabis with John Lennon back before the whole Yoko thing. That was an unexpected bit of information. However finding out that Helen wears impractical black lacy undergarments probably takes the cake.

Let me start from the beginning.

Helen heard about a rare abnormal that was attacking people in Africa. It seems this particular creature was fond of hot, dry climates. So we all trekked out to the Sahara and went looking for it. but we weren't the only one out there. Apparently, these creatures are very valuable on the black market. Some action/adventure later and Helen and I are locked in a giant crate so be fed to the abnormal next time it gets hungry. We were stuck in there for TWO DAYS! In the beginning it was fine. We were alone together for the time since that whole flaming pants debacle and we could talk. It's been a while since we really talked just for the sake of talking. No new problems to solve or comfort to be given. For a little while it was like we were back at Oxford again. Finally we settled on asking questions that had to be answered honestly. She started by asking if I'd really kept that alleged vow of celibacy and selective breeding. DAMMIT WOMAN! I said yes and no. Which is true. after all, just because I wasn't human doesn't mean I wasn't a MAN! Of course I didn't tell her that i was actually married for a short time. She reminded me a bit of Helen. That's probably why I married her. Obviously, it didn't work out. She just wasn't... She wasn't Helen. Any ways, I responded by asking her what the craziest thing she'd ever done was. She gave me one of those coy smiles she loves to flash people and said simply, "Smoked cannabis with Lennon while we watched the sun come up." To be perfectly honest, I'm still not sure she was serious.

After about a day the unthinkable happened. Helen took her shirt off in front of me. Of course I was barely conscious at the time (I'm Serbian, excuse me if I don't fare well in the heat!) so I doubt she really thought I'd be looking too intently. But I said I was nearly unconscious, not dead. Then the pants went by the wayside. Then mine did. Then I simply suggested that we..._entertain_ ourselves. Then she hit me. Twice. Sexy.


	3. Interlude, New Year's Eve

Disclaimer: I don't own it, wish I did. Not making money, live in tissue box.

A/N: Thank you so much, Readers! All of your reviews and messages have been SO Encouraging! I love you guys!

Interlude, New Year's Eve

Nikola had never been one for large groups of people. When he had taken the Source Blood, all of his senses had gone haywire. At first, they were so sharp he'd thought he was going to die. Sometimes in the years between gaining his powers and losing them, everything would spike, throwing him into a nervous breakdown. Since losing his abilities, he'd become strangely claustrophobic.

He could feel himself getting lightheaded even as he stood in the crowded ballroom, discussing the potential applications of his newest invention with some of Helen's slightly less idiotic minions. He excused himself and slipped out the exit as quickly as possible.

Nikola shivered as a cold breeze shot through him. It was strange. It had been so long since he felt physically cold, the sensation took him by surprise. He felt his head clear as the crisp night air entered his lungs. Silently, he thanked G-d for it. If G-d was even listening to him anymore. Nikola had never been a particularly religious man. Even as the son of a Serbian Orthodox priest, he always questioned too much to really take that leap of faith. But he hoped that someone heard him.

"Nikola, what are you doing out here in the cold?" asked Helen.

Nikola jumped, startled by her sudden appearance.

"Nothing, just getting some air. You know me and crowds, not happy unless I'm the center of attention."

Helen studied him closely for a moment. Nikola watched her from the corner of his eye. She took a step, putting herself directly in front of him. At Nikola's questioning look, Helen gave a shrug and sad smile. She reached into his open jacket and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. Nikola adjusted his coat and rested an arm around her waist, resting his other hand in her hair.

"I thought you didn't like to touch other people's hair," Helen said, pulling Nikola a little tighter. Nikola chuckled.

"That was a long time ago. Besides, I would never object to touching any part of **your** body," he said, wriggling his eyebrows playfully. Helen laughed out loud, giving him a little smack on his shoulder .

"We should get back inside before they send out a search party for their beloved leader and resident genius." he continued.

"Not to mention you," Helen countered. Nikola smiled brightly.

"Happy new year, Helen."

"Happy new year, Nikola."


	4. The Hangover

A/N: I don't own, you know the drill.

This one is going up by itself while I run through my notes again and figure out what to post next. Hopefully some time tomorrow another entry will be up!

Jan. 2

I woke up yesterday morning with my head in Helen's lap. Not a bad way to wake up. Especially given the fact that I was incredibly hung over. Never playing beer-pong with the Sasquatch and the were-pup. Unless it means I get to spend the day with Helen nursing me back to health.

Surprisingly, though, I wasn't happy at the time. Well, I was at first, waking up with one of Helen's hands on my chest and the other in my hair…But then I opened my eyes. That was a mistake. As were moving and trying to speak. Luckily, Helen woke up shortly after I did and was able to help me to my room. I must say that she is a lot stronger than I would have thought. Anyways, things took a turn for the worse when we got to my room. With Helen's help, I was able to undress and slide into beds, head throbbing in a way that it hasn't since I took the Source Blood.

It was horrible, having her see me like that: weak, sickly, unable to form a proper sentence. I never wanted her to see me like that. I always dealt with my breakdowns by myself. At least I got to spend the day with Helen and wake up again in her arms. ( I think I'm getting sappy in my old age.)


	5. Love Sick Wino and Other Random Emoness

Jan. 15

Spent all last night watching low I.Q. Sci-fi/Action/Adventure movies the big, hairy guy. Apparently he's something of a wine connoisseur. I think I may be developing a violent streak. Every time Bruce Willis killed an alien (G-d, that movie was ridiculous! Why, Gary Oldman, Why?) I saw Johnny Druitt's face superimposed over the alien's.

On the bright side he brought back some allegedly very dangerous device a few weeks ago. Helen had me take a look at it and being the genius that I am, I figured it out. It's was a bong. John was embarrassed. Helen looked interested. I win at life!

Feb. 1

John Druitt has it out for me. This makes wooing Helen Magnus very difficult, seeing as apparently exes get priority or something. Anyways, he teleported me to Nicaragua for interrupting him. On the other hand, it might have been because I lit his hair on fire a century ago. Or maybe he was still butt hurt over the bong. I DID NOT JUST WRITE THAT! Holy Hell! I need to get out of here!

Feb. 14

Worst Valentine's Day ever! I've had some bad ones in my time. I was having a nervous breakdown back in '43. I got hit by a car in 1979. (Actually, that one might have been worse for the guy that hit me.) Communists sent a death squad after me in 1955. But this one was worse.

I walk into the office to invite Helen to dinner when I see Druitt giving her that damn puppy dog look and reaching down and kissing her. AND SHE KISSED BACK! I hate Druitt. I hate Helen. Why does always have to steal her away right when I think there might be a chance. And can't she see that I love her? I do a hell of a lot better job that He would. At least I don't run around like - oh, I don't know- Jack the ripper! I bought flowers, too. Carnations, her favorite. Does he even know that?

Paris never stood a chance with Juliet, did he?

March 1

Have spent past two weeks in alcohol, ice cream, and depression induced haze. Apparently the only who seems to have noticed enough to care has been Lara Croft. At least she has something other than, "Dude, what's goin' on with you? You're like, totally slow and stuff today." I can't believe that I've gotten to the point in my life when the only person to talk to is a gun-toting infant who looks like the evil love child of Southern California and The East Village. It's day like these that make me miss my pigeons. Or my (ex)wife. Mainly my pigeons.

March 15

Nothing much happened today.


	6. The Ides of March, Part 1

The Ides of March

The first thing Nikola thought when he woke up was, 'I smell blood.' If his eyes were open, he couldn't tell. Nikola tried to stand, his hands reaching around him trying to find something to lean on. His head hit roof of whatever he was in and with only a little stretch, his arms hit the sides. It felt like some kind of wooden shipping crate.

One of the sides opened with a loud groan, crashing onto the floor. Nikola was nearly blinded by the light. He looked around, only now able to process the roar of a crowd all around him. Three men ran up to him and pulled him out of the crate and threw him to the floor. One of them pulled out a large syringe while the other two flipped Nikola over onto his back. The syringe was plunged straight into his heart and Nikola screamed, feeling the drugs burning through him. HIs whole body convulsed and Nikola could feel his heart rate speed up. 'Christ, I hate adrenaline!' he thought. His mind was spinning now that he was conscious enough to process what was going on around him. He was sitting on a dirt floor in an old warehouse. The sand had puddles of blood everywhere.

Nikola jumped to his feet as he heard a scream behind him. He whirled around to Helen standing there. But it was _Helen_ This creature had jagged teeth and long, slender claws. She was a vampire.

"Helen?" he called, rushing over to her "Helen, what have they done to you?" She didn't speak as she stalked closer to him. He reached over to touch her face and she grabbed his hand and bit down hard on his wrist. Nikola screamed in pain and Helen kicked his legs out from under him, pouncing onto his torso. She yanked his head to side and bit into his neck. The last thing Nikola thought as his eyes slipped shut was, 'I smell blood.'


End file.
